Dead & Breakfast (2004) : It's like a bad horror movie.....only worse.

I had never heard of this movie until a few weeks ago when I wanted to watch a zombie flick, but wasn't in the mood to be filled with despair and gloom afterwards.  I did a google search for "best Zombie comedies" and it popped up in several lists.  With the hundreds of Zombie movies that have been made in the last 20 years or so, I was certain that just because I had never watched it, or even heard of it before, didn't mean that it wasn't good.

A quick search on IMDB and a few other sites showed that it received ratings of mediocre to good, which for die-hard Zombie genre fanatics means it could be "OK to Great". So I figured it was probably worth the risk to invest 88 minutes to watch it.

The tag-line for the movie should have given me a clue as to what I was in for: "It's like a bad horror movie.....only worse."

OK, the beginning of the movie showed promise. The opening animation and artwork were pretty awesome. That sort of stuff draws me in probably more than it generally should. Then the next 10 minutes or so the group of 20-somethings in the Winnebago were really annoying. I started to rethink my decision until they met the singing gas station attendant and his band. AWESOME! They were sort of the comic music relief that popped up periodically in the movie, much like the band in "Something About Mary".

Unfortunately, the band was the best part of the movie, and even their periodic appearance couldn't save what was otherwise a HORRIBLE film. The producers/writers were obviously influenced by "The Evil Dead" as this movie tried hard to be like it (in one of the scenes there is even an "Evil Dead 2" poster in the background)..............but in the end it was worse. And that says a lot, since honestly I think "The Evil Dead" and it's remake, "Evil Dead 2" were pretty horrible. Blasphemy, I know. I just didn't like those movies. I'll get to that in another review though, so lets not sidetracked here.

I think on paper this movie probably was better than it was in reality. It probably wouldn't have been bad if executed correctly. Even the inclusion of David Carradine (awww!) and Diedrich Bader ("Louis" from "The Drew Carey Show") couldn't save it. The filming was bad, lighting was worse than a high-school production, special effects and make-up were worse than the first season of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and the acting...........if you can call it that...........was dreadful. After about 40 minutes I started looking at my watch wondering if I should pull the ripcord. Finally at about the hour mark, after the singing gas station attendant was killed off............I hit the stop button on the remote.

The next day at work while talking to a co-worker, I was telling him about the movie and the fact that it was so bad I stopped watching, and he reminded me of my commitment to give an accurate review. How could I give an accurate review if I didn't watch the whole thing? Dammit. Back at home later that evening I finished it....................and believe it or not.............................it didn't get any better. Nope.


My "accurate review" statement above made me ponder upon something; who the hell are those people on IMDB and other sites that gave this movie a good rating? Were they actually watching it? Sober? With at least one eye open? If so there should be some sort of punishment given to them. Seriously. Not only is this probably one of the worst Zombie movies I have ever watched.........its quite possibly one of the top 5 worst movies of all time. True story.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a NEGATIVE 2.

I didn't think I could find a movie that was any worse than "Brain Dead".........and yet somehow I managed to do just that.

WATCH IT IF: Um.............I got nothing. Stay away.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: You have any self-esteem what-so-ever.

"Dead & Breakfast" is available for streaming on Amazon Prime, unfortunately.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0350774/

Up next: The French Zombie flick "The Horde".

Quarantine (2008) : The CDC is here to help you. Really.

I've been wanting to see "Quarantine" for awhile now, and I'll admit that's mostly because it stars Jennifer Carpenter. For those of you that are also "Dexter" fans, you'll know that Jennifer Carpenter plays Dexter's (step)sister "Deb". Deb is brash, lovable, and foul-mouthed: in one episode she had a great line where a certain f-word was used as an adjective, noun, verb, and adverb.

In "Qurantine" she plays cute and bubbly television reporter Angela Vidal. Her portrayal of this character in this movie convinced me that she really is a great actress, as it was a total departure from Deb.

Alright, enough about Jennifer Carpenter. Here's the official trailer, followed by a synopsis of the movie from IMDB:

Television reporter Angela Vidal and her cameraman are assigned to spend the night shift with a Los Angeles Fire Station. After a routine 911 call takes them to a small apartment building, they find police officers already on the scene in response to blood curdling screams coming from one of the apartment units. They soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown. After a few of the residents are viciously attacked, they try to escape with the news crew in tow, only to find that the CDC has quarantined the building. Phones, internet, televisions and cell phone access have been cut-off, and officials are not relaying information to those locked inside. When the quarantine is finally lifted, the only evidence of what took place is the news crew's videotape.

So its yet another derrivitive of "missing footage found after all hell breaks loose and everyone dies" ala "Blair Witch Project". Fortunately these TV reporters have good equipment so I didn't get a headache or get dizzy. Yay for steadi-cams!

I'm not certain if this is a "Zombie" movie or not. There's an infection that's transmitted by biting. Let's say it's Rabies (because it is). The people become crazed and start attacking/eating other folks that are trapped in the building. Technically they aren't Zombies since they aren't dead.......although in one scene the police pumped an old lady full of lead and she was still walking around.

Just for fun, I decided to look-up the definition of "zombie" in the American Heritage Dictionary:

zom·bie also zom·bi 

 

NOUN:

pl. zom·bies, also zom·bis

 

1. A snake god of voodoo cults in West Africa, Haiti, and the southern United States.
2. 1. A supernatural power or spell that according to voodoo belief can enter into and reanimate a corpse.
   2. A corpse revived in this way.
3. One who looks or behaves like an automaton.
4. A tall mixed drink made of various rums, liqueur, and fruit juice.

Hmmmm. Not at all what I expected to find. Especially #4. I've gotta try that one.

Crap. I'm going to call it a Zombie movie anyway. After all, "28 Days" is along with a host of other movies that probably shouldn't be, so this one gets a pass in my book.

Back to the movie. I liked it. A lot. There were some really scary bits and at times it was so totally out of control and involving I found myself yelling at the characters. I loved the Big Brother aspect of the CDC keeping them all locked in there.........when one of them tried to escape you just know its going to end badly for them. Oh well, at least he wasn't eaten I guess, so he had that going for him.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 7.5.

The thought of being locked in a dark apartment building by the government, with a bunch of sick people that want to eat you is super scary. And this movie does a great job of conveying what that might feel like. I had nightmares for days after watcthing this one.

WATCH IT IF: You're ready to get the crap scared out of you, you aren't a "purist" when it comes to Zombie flicks, or are a fan of Jennifer Carpenter and are interested in seeing her in something different than Dexter.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: You are a "purist" when it comes to Zombie flicks, you get nightmares easily, or one of your relatives works for the CDC and you are offended that this movie portrayed as bad guys.

"Quarantine" is available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1082868/


If you have a strong opinion about what is, or isn't, a Zombie movie, please leave a comment and let me know, thanks! Up next we take a look at "Dead and Breakfast".

The Dead (2010) : Creepy man, just creepy.

Creepy.

That's the best word to use to describe "The Dead".  If you're jonesing to watch a Zombie flick with tons of action, big guns, and explosions, this movie ain't it. But if you're in a "make some popcorn, turn off the lights, and get creeped out" mood, then put this one on your watch list.

"The Dead" is filmed in west African locations such as Burkina Faso and Ghana, as well as the Sahara desert. The setting is unique and, quite frankly, where I have always thought the Zombie outbreak would occur when if it ever happens.

From the very beginning, "The Dead" gives you the heebie-jeebies as it introduces its enemy in the (non-living) person of an African native zombie with a disfigured leg. The plot is fairly simple. An American military engineer washes up on the coast of west Africa after his evacuation flight crashes. As the sole survivor he attempts to reach a northern military air field to re-attempt his escape, and runs into an African military soldier who is trying to find his son during the chaos.

I know this film was made with a very small budget, yet they found a way to keep it looking honest and real; nothing in the film looked cheap. Much like "Exit Humanity", this film proves that "less" truly can be "more".

An interesting thing about this movie that it reflects what I believe true life would be like during an outbreak in Africa; moments of sheer terror punctuating long periods of abolutely nothing happening. There are several parts in the movie where I was like "they're right around the corner" or "watch out, they're right behind that truck" and then BOOM! Nothing. It was refreshing.....in a strange way.

Instead of making the Zombie eyes look like cataracts as most do these days they made them sharp white, penetrating and unblinking like Haitian Zombies....maybe even "reptilian" in a way. I liked the directors use of silent, slow zombies that by default move with silence and stealth but can snap and bite quickly when close enough and aroused to it. Running Zombies that growl and groan non-stop are actually not as scary as slow silent movers.

If you can't tell already, I like this film. Mainly because of it's creepiness, but also because its different than so many other Zombie flicks out there.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 7.

The setting of Africa, combined with the total feeling of being alone in a vast wasteland of Zombies totally works and is completely believeable. It's easy to get lost in this movie.

WATCH IT IF: you're looking for something different from the typical Zombie movie, like being depressed and/or creeped out, or you just like deserts and sand with dead people walking about.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you like your Zombie-fighting heroes outfitted with super-high-tech weaponry accompanied by a hip-hop soundtrack, a relative of yours once died from Ibola contracted in Africa and you still have a hang-up about it, or you're more in the mood for something way more happy and feel-goody like "Apocalypse Now".

"The Dead" is available for streaming on NetFlix and Amazon Prime.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1386925/

BONUS BEER RECOMMENDATION: If you're looking for a beer to go perfectly with the feelings of desparation and hunger you get from watching this movie, give this one a try: Tröegs Dead Reckoning Porter. A delicious and unconventional porter, it pours a nice smooth chocolate brown color, with some suspended sediment and a foamy tan head. The nose is surprisingly hoppy for a porter, bitter and resinous, almost like a black IPA more than a porter. There is also a big old roasty malt profile that compliments the hops nicely.

Next Week: We take a look at the movie "Quarantine".

The Day (2011) : "The Walking Hungry"

First before you read this review there is something that must be said: This isn't a Zombie movie (gasp!). Well, sort of. But not really. Confused? Read on.........

The premise: Ten years after society collapsed following an unspecified catastrophe, survivors Rick (Dominic Monaghan), Adam (Shawn Ashmore), Henson (Cory Hardrict), Shannon (Shannyn Sossamon), and Mary (Ashley Bell ----probably the only recognizable actor in the movie) wander aimlessly across the scorched earth, seeking sustenance and shelter from the roving hordes of cannibals who consume the living.

OK, so there are no Zombies but there are people eating people. Flesh-eating without all of the "grrrr-arrrrrgh" and all that.

Directed by Douglas Aarniokoski, “The Day” looks radiant and parched, as if shot through an Instagram filter; it’s blandly striking and pretty all at the same time. It reminded me a lot of "Exit Humanity" in its filming style. This is one of those movies that could probably survive on its cinematography alone if there was no dialogue from the cast.


But..........unfortunately there was dialogue. Bad dialogue. Really bad dialogue. Think "every post-apocalyptic movie cliche you have ever heard" bad.

Color me disappointed. Is there an Instagram filter for that?

OK, I'll admit that I was super-pumped about this movie before I watched it, so maybe I had unfairly built it up too much in my head. Unfortunately I found myself at about the 1/2 hour point fighting the urge to turn it off. The characters were sadly one-dimensional, which caused me to lose interest in whether they lived or died. The only remotely interesting character was Mary, who was the stereotypical "loner kick-ass female with a dark secret past to be revealed later".

There's a small plot-twist or two during the movie, but for the most point it was totally predictable. During this time of "The Walking Dead" mid-season hiatus, I was really hoping this could be a nice filler snack. Don't get me wrong, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.............I was just let down.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 5.


I wanted to like it more but great cinematography can only make up for so much. If the writers would have made the characters a little multi-dimensional instead of cardboard cut-outs, this would have been a much better movie.

In the interest of full-disclosure and perspective, I did waste an entire hour of my life last nite watching "Zombie Apocalypse" on Discovery HD. "Zombie Apocalypse" was a documentary about a bunch of preppers that are ready for the world to end due to a Zombie uprising. It was a hoaky, horrible waste of an hour of programming. Truly horrible. I would have gladly watched "The Day" again instead of that program..

WATCH IT IF: You have a choice of watching it or "Zombie Apocalypse:, are just jones'n for a post-apocalyptic film and need a fix, or are an Ashley Bell fan.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: You have Season 2 of "The Walking Dead" on your Tivo to catch up on, get turned-off by poor character development and poor dialogue, or have some Christmas present wrapping to do. Even then you could watch it with the sound turned down.

"The Day" is available for streaming on Amazon and can be purchased on DVD from many sources.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1756799/

Up next: Due to the impending Christmas Holiday, we may take a break for a week. When we come back we'll take a look at "The Dead". Merry Chistmas and thanks for reading!

Cockneys vs Zombies (2012) : Let the British Zombie Invasion begin

On the heels of "Doghouse", I decided to keep the Anglo-Zombie trend alive by checking out "Cockneys vs Zombies".  I haven't seen a bad Zombie film in awhile, so I was afraid that I was due a flop. Thankfully my streak of good luck continues.............

Much like "Snakes on a Plane" or "Alien vs. Predator", the title tells you more or less what to expect. So don't get your hopes up for something that's going to win an Academy Award, or even a lesser-valued Screen Actors Guild award. But People's Choice award? Maybe...........if there was a category of "Wildly Entertaining".




They could have called this film "Lock, Stock and Two Headless Zombies" because it had a total Guy Ritchie feel to it: the filming style, angles, the non-stop action, and Cockney accents so bad they made me wonder what language they were speaking. It all works, and works well. I shouldn't be surprised that a Brit Zombie film emulated his style as he has spawned many copycats over the years.

The Plot Summary from IMDB:

"This British movie is about a group of inept criminals who decide to rob a bank so they can save their grandfather's retirement home from being demolished by developers. Meanwhile on another building site some workers dig up an old graveyard and they get bitten by the "undead" which sets off a chain reaction. Then the bank robbers are cornered by the police while in the process of the robbery, but when they exit they find that they are all dead as a result of the horde of zombies. They have to get to the retirement home before the zombies do! "

Zombies and septuagenarians and bank robbers?! Please take my money now!

The script was done by James Moran. You might not know that name, but if you are a Sci-Fi fan you definitely know some of his work: Doctor Who, Torchwood, and Primevil. The story is fast-paced and pretty much keeps you on the edge of your seat most of the time. The intertwining of the different plots into one works very well. I especially loved the scenes where the retirees were fighting off or running walking away from the Zombies.


There are a few actors in this movie that you will recognize if you are a fan of British films and programming: Alan Ford ("Snatch"), Honor Blackman (the original "Avengers" series and "Goldfinger"), Michelle Ryan ("Dr Who", "Merlin", "Bionic Woman", and "Jeckyll"), and Georgia King ("The New Normal").

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a solid 7.5

I had a great time watching this movie! Even if I couldn't understand half of what they were saying at times due to the Cockney accents, I still loved it. I can't recall the last time I laughed and cheered so much during a movie.

WATCH IT IF: You liked both "Shaun of the Dead" and "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels", can't wait to see septuagenarians kicking some Zombie butt, or are just looking for a good, entertaining action film.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you have something against thick British accents, don't like the elderly, or don't like being entertained: in otherwords, if you are a prude.

Althought it was released in August in the UK, "Cockneys vs Zombies" is not yet available for viewing in the USA. It is slated for US DVD and download release sometime in early 2013. When I have more info on the release date I'll post it up here. Don't miss this one!

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1362058/

Up next week: The post-apocalypic flick "The Day".

Doghouse (2009) : Getting back my "mens card".

One thing that you may or may not know about me is that in addition to Zombie movies, I love chick flicks. I mean, sappy, sobby, get-the-tissue-box-out and have-a-good-cry chick flicks. Think "The Notebook" or "Time Traveler's Wife". Watch enough of these movies and you get a letter from the Card Carrying Men's Club (CCMC) stating that your membership card is about to be revoked and you are no longer allowed to use the secret handshake.

 

Thankfully, once in a great while a movie like "Doghouse" comes along to make everything right again.
 

Here's the official movie description on IMDB:

"Vince is handling his divorce badly. He's depressed. Gone to pieces. But his mates aren't giving up on him. Struggling with their own women troubles, they drag him off for an ultimate lads drinking weekend in the country. Arriving in the village of Moodley where the women outnumber the men 3:1, the boys find themselves holidaying in a village overrun by psychotic, homicidal Zombirds with a thirst for male flesh"

With a description like that, you know you are in for one fine piece of CCMC membership-restoring cinema. That's not to say only men would like this movie: any non-PC person, male or female, with a penchant for British humour should be entertained. Think Benny Hill meets "Shaun of the Dead".

Nearly every stereo-typical female Zombie is represented in this flick:

• beautician Zombie
• barmaid Zombie
• bride Zombie
• politician Zombie
• teenage girl Zombie
• female butcher Zombie
• hugely obese housewife dressed in a bathrobe and hair curlers Zombie

Doghouse is directed by Jake West. If you recognize that name he's done some other iconic, campy movies in the last few years, most notably "Evil Aliens". While "Evil Aliens" was done with a shoestring budget, its obvious that West raised some more cash for Doghouse as the production quality and effects are much better.

Don't watch this movie if you are looking for something that's going to scare the hell out of you or keep you from your beauty rest due to nightmares; its not that kind of movie. But if you liked "Shaun of the Dead", "Zombieland", or "Zombie Strippers"; you'll be laughing out loud. Before you know it 85 minutes will have went by and you won't feel bad about it! There are some great Zombie kills that had me cheering and rolling in my seat at the same time.

It wasn't all good, though. To be honest, I was a bit let-down by the ending. That seems to be the problem with a lot of Zombie flicks. Its like the crew and actors get burnt out near the end and just get together and say "OK, let's end this thing". But other than that, I had a great time. And earned my CCMC card back.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a solid 6.

If they would have done a better job with the ending, it may have earned a 6.5 or 7. While PC folks may find it slightly mysoginistic, "Doghouse" is wildly entertaining and a bit of a guilty pleasure. The mix of British humour and campy horror is a winning combo. The Brits just seem to know how to do the Zombie genre well.

WATCH IT IF: you liked "Shaun of the Dead", are jones'n for fun Zombie kills and some brain-dead entertainment, or you need to get your mens club card back.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you are strongly PC, or somewhat PC and think you secretly might like it and therefor be a bad person, or you are a typical male that watches waaaaay too many movies that ojectify women-folk and need to offset that by watching "The Notebook" instead.

"Doghouse" is available for streaming thru Netflix. It is also available to purchase in DVD format from Amazon.com.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1023500/

Next Week: We continue the anglo-zombie trend and take a look at "Cockneys vs Zombies".

The Walking Dead mid-season finale: Let the withdrawal symptoms begin

OH BOY! If you haven't had a chance to catch the mid-season finale that aired on Sunday, 12/2 stop reading now, as this contains spoilers and some (personal) predictions and observations......

Here's a quick recap of the episode:

Rick, Michonne, and the crew finally make it into Woodbury to save Glenn and Maggie. Glenn makes a dagger from the fore-arm of a walker and almost escapes with Maggie, only to be caught by Merle and crew. Thankfully Rick shows up to save the day and makes it out of there with Maggie and Glenn in tow. Daryl stays behind to cover them as they go over the wall, and then apparently (we never see it) gets caught.

At the prison a new group of stragglers shows up. This group contains Tyreese, who I have been waiting to show up. Carl shows what a little bad-ass he has become and brings them in while at the same time putting them in their place. The scraggly blonde prisoner appears to be making the moves on Hershel's youngest daughter, and Carol nips that in the bud rather quickly.

While all of this was going on Andrea was trying her damnest to get in the middle of everything but yet somehow never saw any of the people she knew from Rick's group.

Meanwhile, Michonne waits patiently for the Governor in his room, presumably to dish out a little justice with the sharp side of her blade. She becomes distracted by noises in the adjacent room and discovers the heads in the fishtanks, and Penny. Of course the Governor shows up at that moment, and Michonne puts her sword thru Penny's head. A fight ensues, with Michonne getting away, only after she sticks a shard of fish-tank glass thru the Governor's right eye.

Of course this means that Merle was lying to the Governor when he told him he killed Michonne a few episodes back, so the Governor takes out his wrath on Merle by calling him out in the square in front of the townsfolk and have him arrested for being a traitor. It's then that a captured Daryl is brought out in front of everyone. The episode ends leaving you with the feeling that a fight to the death is going to be staged between Daryl and Merle for the townsfolks entertainment.

Whew! That was a lot to happen in an hour, while at the same time leaving you wanting more. I guess that's what a mid-season finale is supposed to do; get you on the line and set the hook.

I was wondering what they were going to do with Merle when the group catches up to him after his beat-down of Glenn and his attempt at killing Michonne. It seems like they have set it up to where there is a possiblity he may end up back with the group now that he is an outcast in Woodbury, but that assumes he survives his impending fight with his brother.

I'm glad that Tyreese is finally brought into the plot line! In the comics he is probably the closest thing to a friend that Rick has, and is a pretty stand-up guy. He shows up rather early on in the comic series so this is a bit of a late intro for him, but we all know the show doesn't exactly follow the comic so that's to be expected.

OK, so I mentioned that the blonde scraggly prisoner is getting friendly with Hershel's youngest daughter. This makes me think they may make his character somewhat like the psychotic inmate in the comics that kills two of Hershel's daughters and cuts their heads off. He seemed mild-mannered and nice in the comic and everyone thought he was in there for embezzeling or some other white-collar crime, when in fact he was a freaky serial killer. Watch this guy.

So now what do you do now that the next new episode isn't going to air until FEBRUARY 10th, 2013? Well there are a few things....

1. You can check out the "Revolution" series, or what I like to call "Walking Dead Lite". Check out my review from last week on this one.

2. If you haven't read any of the comics yet, now is a great time. I wouldn't read much past #30 if you don't want any potential spoilers. They are a great (and quick) read and give some interesting back-story to many of the characters. Just remember that the TV series and the comics are the same story going down two slightly different paths. Some characters exist on TV while they don't in the comics, and visa versa.

3. Watch "The Walking Dead" season 1 and 2 again. They are both available now on Netflix. You'd be surprised how many things you missed the first time you saw them. Also on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, AMC will be running a Walking Dead marathon. So if you don't have Netflix, set your DVR's/VCR's.

4. Read "Rise of the Governor".  This is Kirkman's first non-graphic novel and is a great, quick read. The story follows a completely different set of survivors and gives you an insight into why the Governor is who he is. "Rise of the Governor" is available in book format and is also available for download to your Kindle on amazon.com. There are a few differences between this "Governor" and the TV series version, but it's still damn good.


5. Read my blog. Yes, if you haven't read it already, I've reviewed a bunch of Zombie flicks and some of them are actually pretty good. Read about them and check them out if you want.

OK, that's all I've got for now. Thanks for reading, and if you have any additional thoughts or observations I'd love to hear them.

Up next week: We check out "Doghouse"......