Resident Evil (2002): Alice ages like a fine wine.

So you thought you were going to get a review of "Dead Season", didn't you? And you noticed that my blog update is a day late huh?

Well, the electronic gods conspired against me with BOTH of my internet and cable going down for a week until the cable company could come out and run a new drop to my house. While this was great for me catching up on my reading and hanging out with the little missus, it really messed up my grand plans for watching "Dead Season".

No worries. With "Resident Evil: Retribution" hitting the theatres last month, I thought it might be nice to revisit the original Resident Evil movie that started the franchise. It's been awhile since I watched this movie so it was almost like watching it all over again for the first time.

First, I have to say what has to be said: Milla Jovovich, who plays the main character Alice, is a BADASS. Period. Her fighting moves and action sequences in this movie blow me away. For my money, you could just make a 90-minute film of her killing baddies with no dialogue or plot and I'd still watch it.

Thankfully, the plot is there and is quite good. There's a virus outbreak in the "Hive", and underground development facility for the all-knowing omnipresent uber-company "Umbrella Corporation" (according to the movie 9 out of 10 houses have an Umbrella product in them). A computer safety program called "The Red Queen", a scary red hologram of a little girl, locks down The Hive and kills everyone inside. Instead of leaving well-enough alone, the Umbrella Corporation sends an elite para-military force down the rabbit hole to see what happened and kill the Red Queen.

For you Zombie movie affcionados, you know this can lead to no good. They should have left that place sealed up like a crypt called it a day. They didn't, so you know what happens next.

Mayhem ensues. And boy does it.

The Zombies in Resident Evil are scary as hell. They're a combination of regular Romero-esque Zombies and fast-movers. Extra bonus points for scarier-than-all-hell Zombie Dobermans guard dogs.


I won't go too much further into the plot since I don't like to give spoilers. There's enough of a plot and fast-paced action that the movie will be over before you know it and leave you wanting for more.............which is what I guess a good franchise does! I'm so glad that the electronic gods conspired together to make me watch this movie because I forgot how much I liked it.

I think I need to check around the house now to see if I have any Umbrella products.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 7.5

A fast pace, good plot, lots of killing and baddassery kept me involved for the entire flick. There's a good reason why this movie spawned a slew of sequels. As a matter of fact it was soooooooo good I've got the sequel, "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" lined up to watch next!

WATCH IT IF: you like fast-paced action and hi-tech weaponry, are turned on by Zombie Dobermans, or fascinated by the idea of a whacked-out version of Alice in Wonderland meets Zombies.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you scare easily, like your leading ladies a little more cute and cuddly like found in "The Traveling Pants of the Ya Ya Sisterhood", or you dislike movies that unjustly demonize large power-mongering corporations.

"Resident Evil" is available for streaming thru Amazon Prime and Netflix, and is also available for purchase from many locations.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120804/

 Up Next: We follow Alice on her further adventures in Racoon City.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012): Re-writing History

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies is another low-budget ($150K) Civil War era Zombie film, not unlike "Exit Humanity" that I reviewed a few weeks ago. Chronologically, this movie takes place before "Exit Humanity" since the Civil War is still raging on.

I'm the first one to admit that I'm a sucker for Civil War anything, so to throw some Zombies into the mix made this movie irresistable for me. I had to see it, even though deep down in my heart I KNEW it had to be bad.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

It was..........pretty good! Not in a Golden Globe or Emmy way, but good in the "Honest Abe wielding a scythe and chopping off Zombie heads" way.

Bill Oberst Jr. plays a darn good Abe Lincoln. I had never heard of him before but a quick search on IMDB shows he's rather busy so others must lke him as well. The rest of the cast was a mixed bag, but even the worst actor ranked high compared most of the low-budget zombie films I've seen.

Beside Abe, other famous historical figures make their appearance; John Wilkes Booth, Pat Garret, Stonewall Jackson, a young Teddy Roosevelt, to name a few. I'm a bit of a Civil War era history nut, so I must say that there were some issues with their inclusion, like the fact that Stonewall Jackson was already dead by the time this would have taken place, and Teddy Roosevelt would have been younger than he appeared in the film...............but who cares!?  Who would have known that Teddy Roosevelt actually got his "Walk softly and carry a big stick" saying from Abe Lincoln while killing Zombies???

Speaking of Zombies, they were fairly well-done. They weren't quite as scary as the black-eyed Zombies in "Exit Humanity", but believable none-the-less. They nailed the period-correct dress perfectly. The Zombies in this film are the slow-lumbering type, with a twist: they can't see, and are only attracted by noise. So if you are quiet, you are safe.........hence the Roosevelt quote above.

I don't want to give any of the plot away, so let's just say that this movie does a decent job of interweaving Zombies with historical facts and changing it up a bit. If you know history you know that Abe is going to die at the end but this movie really shakes that up.....................

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a solid 5.

The blend of historical figures from the Civil War era and Zombies was wildly entertaining, even moreso than I thought it would be. The pace of the movie is decent with plenty of Zombie gore and blood-spatter.  While it doesn't quite live up to the standards of "Exit Humanity", its still a great effort especially given the small budget. If you haven't seen "Exit Humanity" yet, watch this one first as an "appetizer".

WATCH IT IF: you liked "Exit Humanity", think the idea of mixing Zombies with Honest Abe may taste as good as peanut butter mixed with chocolate, or you want to know the real story as to why John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you dislike movies that re-write history, you like your Zombie movies to be more techy ala "Resident Evil", or you are STILL angry about the North winning the Civil War and are waiting for the South to rise again in a different way.

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies is available for streaming thru Amazon Prime and Netflix. It is also available in DVD format from RedBox.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2246549/

Next Week: We take a look at "Dead Season".

Juan of the Dead (2011): Dissidents Beware!

There is something you need to understand before you watch this flick: it is NOT just a Cuban version of Shaun of the Dead. Yes there are similarities. The main character has a chubby, slacker best friend and they are a little unaware of what is happening at the beginning of the Zombie outbreak. But that's about where the comparisons end. OK, on with the review......

One of the things I like about this movie is that you get a real up close and personal view of what it is like to live in Havana under Communist rule. The scenery is both beautiful and sad at the same time. Havana is a place that time, and modernization, forgot. Everything is run down, the cars are ancient, and most things like elevators rarely work. Zombies being thrown into the semi-apocalyptic mix almost seem natural in a way.

The news reports in the movie are hilarious, so watch them and pay attention. Often they are in the background so they can be a little obscure. The Cuban news and government blame the USA for the attack and call the Zombies "dissidents".

The movie centers around Juan (Alexis Díaz de Villegas) and his friend Lazaro (Jorge Molina) who just get by day by day in their rather boring lives. When the living dead start to overrun the city, sending the entire island into chaos and destruction, Juan and Lazaro show their true Cuban entrenpeneurship by finding a way to make money out of the chaos by charging people to kill next of kin that became undead. With the help of Juan's daughter, Lazaro's son, and a gay couple they start a business called "JUAN DE LOS MUERTOS" or "JUAN OF THE DEAD".

As usual in my reviews, I don't want to give too much of the plot away or put in a spoiler, so I won't say too much else about what goes on. I will say that some of the Zombie kills are AWESOME and super-inventive. I especially like LOVE the scene where they all are naked and stuck in a prisoner van. That's all I can tell you about that without giving too much away.............

If you can't tell already, I really liked this film. It was fast-paced, entertaining, and made me laugh out loud many times. Even if you weren't a crazed zombie fan you'd have to find this movie entertaining. The characters are all gritty, somewhat unlikable yet lovable, and have real-world problems that don't stop when the Zombies come to town.

It does have a few issues that may turn a few folks off. First, it is subtitled. It doesn't bother me, but I know some folks that would turn off a movie the first time they see text they have to read scrolling acrossed the bottom of the screen. Second, there are a lot of jokes aimed at the Cuban government, and Cuban people in general, that I just didn't get. I had to look up some of the references after the movie to better understand them. So, again, if that whole reading thing is an issue for you, don't watch it. Of course, you're reading this blog right now so maybe you'd have no problem.....

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 7

A fast pace, great characters, and interesting plot kept me involved and interested the entire flick. This movie is destined to become a cult classic.

WATCH IT IF: you like fast-paced action with inventive Zombie kill scenarios, want to get a sneak-peek into life in Havana, or on a foreign film kick like I am at the moment.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: that whole ADHD thing still greatly affects your ability to watch a subtitled flick, you are old enough to hate all things Cuban due to that silly little Missle Crisis thing, or prefer to watch movies with super-pretty, fake undead people from the town of Forks.

Juan of the Dead is available for streaming thru Amazon Prime and is available for purchase at Amazon and other locations. At the time of this writing it is not available on NetFlix for streaming.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1838571/

BONUS BEER RECOMMENDATION: Heart of Darkness, by Magic Hat Brewing, is a great stout with a relatively low ABV of 5.7. It is black in color, much like the souls of dissidents. It's creamy and smooth with a nice finish, and goes equally well with meats/cheeses as it does with celebrating a great Zombie kill.

Up Next: We kill some Zombies old-school style with Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.

Brain Dead and Dead Snow: My loss is your gain.

I've re-written this review about 5 times trying to come up with something nice to say, finally deciding to just come out and say what has to be said: There are 95 minutes now missing from my life that I will NEVER get back again, and I have only myself to blame.

How this movie received 5.5/10 stars on IMDB I have no idea. I made a point to go back and read the reviews and I am fully convinced that many were schill/paid reviews. I'm no conspiracy-theorist but something smells funny.  There is a LOT of T&A in the first 15 minutes, including a lesbian river skinny-dip scene. I get the feeling maybe some of those high ratings were from teenage boys who have not yet joined the touchaboobie tribe.

The story line is typical Zombie plot: a bunch of strangers, for some reason or another, get trapped in a cabin together in the woods and one-by-one they get picked off by Zombies. Nothing new here.

The special effects were dreadful, and the acting was even worse. I don't know why I kept watching. All I can guess it was the "train wreck effect" where I just couldn't look away. Again, I blame myself.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 1.

If I have prevented one person from losing 95 minutes of their life, then my work here is done. If nothing else, this crappy flick shows you that I'm not just a Zombie fanboy that loves everything.

WATCH IT IF: you hate yourself, or are blind, or deaf, or you are blind and deaf and hate yourself.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: you have something more entertaining to do, like watch grass grow or paint dry.

Brain Dead is available on NetFlix and Amazon Prime.

If you still insist on watching this film, even after this review, treat it like trying 'shrooms or cross-dressing for the first time: Don't spend any of your own money and don't let anyone see you doing it.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0914799/.

Since this movie was a flop, let me recommend a better one...................................

DEAD SNOW

Ahhh................Dead Snow. Not unlike that "other movie" I just reviewed above, this movie has the word "Dead" in the title and involves a bunch of people in a cabin in the woods being attacked by Zombies. But this time, they are Nazi Zombies. 

If you've been jones'n for a movie featuring a horde of Nazi Zombies and lots of action, look no further: you've found the motherload.



The plot revolves around a bunch of medical students getting away for some rest and relaxation in a secluded cabin during the Easter break. Unknown to them, they've picked a horrible spot for a getaway. Back in the day, evil Nazis used these hills for an escape route or safe haven way back when, and it's said that this is where they supposedly holed up and eventually died. Of course, you know the story. Since this is a Zombie flick they come back to life and spice up the party.

A few things you should know. First, this is a Norwegian film with subtitles. I don't have a problem personally with subtitles but some people do. (Little-known fact: Not everyone in the world speaks English. I know. Crazy right?) Second, this movie doesn't take itself too seriously and you shouldn't either. It makes a lot of references to some iconic Zombie movies, especially in the first half of the movie when most of the med students are still living. Third, the action really gets going almost halfway through the movie. So if you have a short attention span, fast forward to about the 40 minute part and you'll be OK.

From a sheer economic perspective, I think this movie is great because it single-handedly kept the SS-Uniform-Replica-Garment Industry busy for months with all its uniformed SS troop extras.

My verdict? On a "Zombie Movie Scale of 1-10" I'd give this one a 7

I absolutely LOVE this film. It's entertaining, has some plot twists, and just makes me happy. Don't judge me if I tell you I've watched it at least 4 times.

WATCH IT IF: you like Nazi Zombies, think watching foreign films makes you smarter, or you're looking to get out of renting a vacation cabin in the woods by showing this to your significant other.

DON'T WATCH IT IF: your ADHD keeps you from enjoying films with subtitles, you are a teenage boy really just looking for some T&A, or you were once attacked by Nazi Zombies and this movie would stir up too many repressed memories.

Dead Snow is available on NetFlix and Amazon Prime.

More info can be found on IMDB here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/


Up Next: We take a look at the fan-funded "A Little Bit Zombie".